Why connection can sometimes feel so complicated
When was the last time you truly felt connected to someone?
Not during a polite round of “How are you?”, not while smiling nicely across the table, but that warm, calm feeling of being on the same wavelength. Of being seen. Of being able to settle. Especially around the Christmas dinner table, we may long for this more than ever. And yet, at the same time, many people dread having to sit down with their family. Remarkably, even within their own families, many people experience a sense of distance. As if you belong — but not quite. You sit together at the table, but inside you feel alone or frustrated.
Self-Determination Theory (SDT) has something important to say about this. The third of our three psychological basic needs that I explore in my blogs is relatedness — the need for connection and meaningful relationships. Without it, we cannot flourish. Not at work, and not around the Christmas table either. So why does connection — especially with those closest to us — sometimes feel so difficult?
Psychology and the Clarity Process offer a practical and gentle answer.
Why connection at the Christmas table can be so difficult
Connection does not arise automatically just because we are together. It arises primarily when we are open in that togetherness. And that is often where things get stuck at Christmas dinner. Because family brings not only cosiness, but also old roles, expectations and unspoken rules. You may recognise some of these phrases from childhood:
- “He’s busy, don’t bother him.”
- “Just be nice.”
- “Don’t make such a fuss, no one wants to hear your problems.”
- “That’s just how things are in this family.”
They may seem harmless, but they leave deep traces in our subconscious. They teach us to hide parts of ourselves — for the sake of harmony, peace, ‘keeping things nice’, or simply to feel that we belong. And that is exactly what makes connection complicated. Because you cannot truly connect with others if you do not dare to be fully present in the contact.
My own old patterns
Some time ago, I was in conversation with someone I care deeply about. And yet I noticed myself holding back: I said the right things, smiled, kept it light — but inside I didn’t feel truly connected. Later, sitting on the sofa at home, it suddenly clicked. I had been afraid of saying something that might sound whiny.
Afraid that my need would be too much. And there I saw my old conditioning: “Hold back, otherwise you’re too much.” A child’s conclusion — and in that situation, not reality at all. The next time, I entered the conversation with that clarity and shared something about a difficult moment in my life. Something small, but still a threshold I consciously had to cross. The response was warm and open — exactly what my mind had believed was impossible.
And that is the remarkable thing:
once you allow yourself to be present in the contact, the other person can truly meet you.
Relatedness feels like coming home to yourself — and to the other
According to Self-Determination Theory, genuine connection arises when we:
- feel welcome,
- are allowed to be ourselves,
- and are able to give and receive.
The Clarity Process adds something essential to this: connection begins with seeing through the movies that tell you that you are too much, a burden, or better off saying nothing at all. Once you recognise these movies as old conditioning, space opens up for real encounter — even (or especially) around the Christmas table. Warm. Simple. Human.
A small exercise for during Christmas dinner
Think of someone at the table with whom you would like to feel more genuine connection. Close your eyes for a moment (or do this later, perhaps in the loo 😉). Silently ask yourself: “Which small truth am I holding back here?” Nothing big, just something small that you habitually keep to yourself. Notice what happens.
Perhaps it is:
- a need you do not express,
- a boundary you do not name, or
- a compliment you swallow.
Take one slow breath in and ask yourself: “What would happen if I shared this?” You don’t have to force anything. You don’t even have to do it. Simply seeing it is enough. That is clarity. And clarity naturally opens the door to connection, because it subtly changes how you show up in conversation — even if you still choose not to share what came to mind.
Or experiment later, if this feels too intense in the moment.
These are deeply ingrained patterns, often formed within exactly these kinds of family systems. Sometimes they simply need more time and attention to become clear. If you like, I would be glad to help you explore which old stories are still limiting your sense of connection. Once you see through them, genuine closeness tends to find its way to you far more naturally.
