“When are you actually weird?”

Professionals rarely struggle with intelligence, yet remarkably often with questions such as: “Why do I do that?”, “Why do I think about this so much?”, “Why don’t others seem bothered by it?” And somewhere beneath those questions lies the judgement: I’m weird. I hear this particularly often in my practice from people who are analytically strong, carry responsibility and function successfully. Internally, however, they experience themselves as ‘different’ — and that difference quickly takes on a negative tone.

Interestingly, people who call themselves ‘weird’ also regularly find others weird. That colleague who communicates so bluntly. That manager who seems unwilling to connect. Apparently, ‘weird’ works both ways. In this blog, I explain — drawing on three social-psychological theories — why that happens and how Clarity process exercises can help soften these judgements.

According to Social Comparison Theory by Leon Festinger, we constantly compare ourselves with others to determine whether we are ‘normal’. The more analytical you are, the more refined that process often becomes. And so you quickly start to notice differences, leading to conclusions such as:

• If you deviate → “I’m weird.”
• • If the other person deviates → “He/she is weird.”

If a third, independent observer were able to watch you and the other person(s), the difference would probably not lie so much in the behaviour itself, but rather in perspective. There is a social-psychological theory that aligns strikingly well with this: pluralistic ignorance. It refers to the situation in which everyone believes they deviate from the norm, while in reality many people experience the same thing. Only nobody says it out loud. In other words, we look at one another, see seemingly confident, relaxed professionals… and conclude that we must be the only ones who doubt, reflect, hesitate, feel. While chances are that several people in the same room are thinking: “Shall I say this?” or “Am I the only one struggling with this?”

Unfortunately, professionals in particular tend not to voice their doubts, deeper questions or discomfort, precisely in order not to appear weird. And so the illusion remains that you are the outlier. That you are the weird one. In a room full of people who all think they are the only ones who are “like this.”

Interestingly, it works the other way round as well. What we call ‘weird’ in someone else is often something that does not fit our own norms. Attribution theory, developed by Fritz Heider, shows that we are quicker to attribute other people’s behaviour to their personality (“That’s just how he is”), while we explain our own behaviour from context (“I reacted like that because I was tired”). In other words: My behaviour has a reason. Your behaviour is who you are. That difference creates distance. Yet ‘weird’ is often simply unfamiliar, different, not aligned with our own standard. For example, today the south of the Netherlands once again turns upside down because of carnival celebrations. For many people in the north, carnival looks like collective disinhibition. Costumes, exuberance, emotion, noise. “Why would you do that?” For many in the south, it feels like connection, tradition, temporary equality. “Why wouldn’t you?” Clearly, a difference in normative framework, and in the case of carnival, one often shaped from early childhood.

Within the Clarity process, we do not examine whether someone is in fact weird, neither you nor the other person. We explore where these thoughts come from. Every individual carries a unique internal frame of reference: When do you feel weird? What exactly do you do at that moment, and which need sits beneath it? Or, if it is the other person who feels weird to you: What exactly irritates you about this person? What does that touch in you, and which need lies underneath? By investigating yourself in this way, a conversation or even the entire relationship with that ‘weird’ other person can fundamentally shift. What was once a judgement becomes information. You no longer need to adjust yourself. Nor does the other person. And that is the difference between being stuck in a label and growing in self-understanding.

Because adjusting yourself costs energy. Understanding yourself gives energy.

The next time you think, “I’m so weird,” pause for a moment. That can be in the moment itself, or later that evening with a cup of tea. Ask yourself:

• “What makes me call it that right now?”
• “What am I afraid might happen?”
• “Am I truly that different, or is it perhaps not as extreme as I think?” What helps me in those moments is to look for objective evidence for my own negative thought. I have rarely been able to find it 😉.

And if you find someone else ‘weird’, you might ask yourself:

• “What am I not yet understanding here?”
• “What might this person need, that leads them to say or do this?”
• “Which need are they trying to fulfil?” And again, ask yourself whether it is truly so different from what you sometimes do yourself.

Curiosity opens. Judgement closes. Perhaps ‘weird’ is simply a signal that there is something to discover. About yourself… or about the other.